FIRST AID KIT FOR DIVORCING/DIVORCED DADS
Phase One - The Critical First Days
YOU'VE BEEN HURT.
If you don't act now, the wound may get worse. For most men, it's the first time such a massive shock has hit them - they are off balance, reeling. Those persons who have hurt them are probably preparing to take advantage of this imbalance to get another shot. PLEASE STOP AND THINK CLEARLY! No matter how stable the situation now seems, no matter what other advice you've received, the clock is running, faster than you think. YOU MUST ACT NOW! This First Aid Kit has been assembled by men who have survived the same crisis you're now enduring - your problem isn't unique. By recognizing the predictable aspects, you can take control of the situation, but you must DO IT NOW!
IF YOUR DIVORCE IS JUST BEGINNING
If your wife is taking the initiative in a no-fault state, consider now the inevitability of a divorce. She has absolute, unstoppable power to do it to you. Seize that initiative yourself. Get an attorney RIGHT NOW, and file as plaintiff yourself. If you want custody of your children, convince your attorney to get an ex parte order granting you temporary custody, effective immediately, and pursue making that order permanent.
DON'T SIGN ANY PRELIMINARY AGREEMENTS
Many men in a misguided attempt to stop the divorce have signed documents which their attorneys later found impossible to break. Men have, in the first day, even hours of despair, signed away all their property, their children, their rights.
DON'T MOVE OUT OF YOUR HOME
It's yours, too. If at all possible, keep the children with you in the family home. Not only will this be the most emotionally stabilizing thing to do for your children, it will help immeasurably in obtaining permanent custody, if you want it. Once the children and the home are no longer directly under your control, your chances of getting either back drop drastically. If a babysitter/housekeeper is needed, do whatever you need to do to provide one. These few days or months may be crucial in later proving to a judge that you are the more responsible, caring, capable of the two parents.
FIGHT TACTICAL COURT ORDERS IMMEDIATELY
She may have obtained an order throwing you out of your own home, seizing or freezing your assets, etc. Don't let someone talk you into collapsing now under the weight of such common tactical burdens. You must fight such orders when they are fresh.
EVALUATE YOUR ATTORNEY CRITICALLY
Listen for phrases like, ';You don't have much of a chance for custody';, ';Let her have it (property or custody) now, we'll get it back later';, ';You don't need to be present at the hearing';, etc. BEWARE! Such statements are indicative of attorneys not skilled in representing the man successfully, or possibly just out to get what they can, with no real intent of fighting what is, for nearly every man, the more difficult side of the divorce case. If, for any reason, you suspect that you're not getting the strongest advocacy possible, seek another lawyer.
MONEY, MONEY, MONEY
Nobody is ever really prepared for the expense of legally seeking his rights; but no matter what your financial situation, now is not the time to be cheap. You'll lose much more in the long run. Most lawyers will take a woman's divorce case on the expectation that you'll lose, and have to pay them too. You don't have that presumption, and may have to come up with ';front money';, and eventually dip into your assets. If you want custody, it could cost between $3,000 and $10,000. STOP. THINK. What is important to you now? What will be important to you years later, when all this has been encased in cement? If you have control over assets and income which she could use for legal expenses, can you tie these up yourself?
SEEK HELP NOW
You need every bit of support yo u can get now, from your family, friends, your lawyer, neighbors, public opinion, your employer, your banker, minister, and/or physician. You were probably dependent on your wife for much of the emotional support you're going to need right now.
SHE'S NOT THE SAME PERSON ANYMORE
She is, unfortunately, an adversary, being advised by an attorney with only her interest in mind. Be courteous, but don't let the natural tendency of most men to be ';gentlemen'; destroy your future happiness. You may still care for her, but she's picked up and is pointing at you a weapon far more powerful than even she may recognize - the Divorce Court System and its practitioners.
BE YOURSELF - DON'T BE ';BAITED';
Resist your wife's provocations to irrational or even violent reaction; she may have been advised by a lawyer of ';liberated'; friends to make you look the ';bad guy'; in court. Consider the consequences of everything you put into writing, everything you say to her on a possibly recorded phone or in the presence of witnesses.
If you have progressed beyond the stage where this advice isn't directly useful to you, don't despair. There is hope at every pHow to cope with divorce?
i think i would have done allot better during my divorce had i found some grief counseling or spoken to someone who knew something instead of people who hadn't been there or done that and who did not understand. it is common to be in pain, extreme pain in fact. someone u love has left and isn't coming back and it isn't fun to find yourself in that place.u want to Surround yourself with good non judge mental people who don't mind listening or giving good sound advice if u need it. before i could begin to cope i had to see him for who he really was and not who i thought he was.
I know your pain. Give yourself time to deal with memories etc but only for a little bit of time. One day you will accept that you will never really know what was true and what was a lie. That day, you won't care what it really was. You will only be grateful that you lived through it and you will enjoy your happiness again. I'll be praying for you.
I can only tell you how I'm coping. What works for some may not for another. I make myself do something for me every day. Quite time to myself, a trip to town, a movie, salon. Something for ME! I have been picking up old hobbies...mostly trying to move on to make new memories. Don't get stuck on pause it will eat you up, keep yourself busy with things YOU like to do. Wouldn't it be great if we could just fast forward through the BS.
date somebody else. I was married to my ex-wife for 11 months and it ended outta no where. I've been dating her friend for a couple weeks and it helps.
you just have to get through it and think im better off now then if im with the guy im with now
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