It has been 13 years and I am still having trouble coping with my parents' divorce? Can you help please?

My parents divorced when I was nine. As I got older, and more parts of the story came to light, I found out that his ';new'; wife was actually the homewrecker that broke up our family, was harassing my mother over the phone. I like her, I guess. But just the thought of it makes me wish for her demise.





And my father...





We're very close. And I do my best to put the whole thing out of my mind. Consciously, I know it's not my fault. That's what they tell you when your parents divorce. ';It's not your fault.'; But then whose was it? I love my father more than anything...but why would he leave us? For her? Were we not worth it to him? Any of us? Is that why he did what he did? How long had she been there? How can either of them stand to look at themselves in the mirror, knowing what they did to us?





I have another sister between me %26amp; my older brother %26amp; i can't help thinking, ';if it weren't for YOU, maybe he'd still be here.';





Maybe she thinks the same thing about me.It has been 13 years and I am still having trouble coping with my parents' divorce? Can you help please?
We cannot control other people's thoughts or actions or decisions. We can change no one except ourselves.





I'd ask you to consider getting help from a trained professional. Go to therapy or counseling so you can vent, deal with your feelings and also the issues you have.





While I understand what you wrote, (because my parents divorced when I was 26 and it was a MAJOR disaster for me and my brothers,) I got help -and I really think therapy helped me to see things in a different way. Time helped, of course.





So please start thinking about yourself and your well-being now. The past is gone, and there is nothing you can do to change it. Your parents made their decisions, and you have to accept them. Focus on your life now, and do whatever it takes to heal your mind and heart before you waste more time.





You are the architect of your own destiny.





You have to choose whether to continue feeling this way - paralyzed, unable to move on because of things that happened when you were a child- or be mature and take control of your life. Good luck.It has been 13 years and I am still having trouble coping with my parents' divorce? Can you help please?
Andrea, don't ever blame something that went on between two people on yourself. They are adults, and you were a child. Nothing a child does can affect an adult. And even if they were together, what kind of a relationship do you think would have continued? You should be glad he left, because your mom and your family doesn't deserve him. Please try talking to you parents, and maybe even a therapist. This resulted from way more than just you being there, come on. Get those thoughts out of your head, and I think talking about it will help you.


Good luck
I don't mean to sound cruel, but it's none of your business what happened between your father and mother. It's got nothing to do with the kids. It was an adult matter.
through my own relationships %26amp; seeing my parents divorce, if there is one thing I have learned is that it really does take two to make a relationship work %26amp; it takes those same two to destroy it. no matter what you think you know about your parent's marriage, you will never know everything, trust me.


you don't need to know the answers to all those questions you asked - whatever happened to cause their divorce, it was their fault, not yours, not your sister's, but theirs %26amp; yes, your stepmother choose to get involved with a married man %26amp; that is wrong, but it is the past %26amp; at some point, you have to learn to forgive %26amp; forget. I have a stepsibling who harbored a lot of anger about their parents break up %26amp; it has only made for an anger,bitter %26amp; unhappy person with 4 failed marriages, but once they learned to forgive, they are so much happier %26amp; now in a stable relationship for the first time.


if you like your stepmother %26amp; you %26amp; your father have a close relationship, then try to stop worrying about what went wrong.


you can't change it, it kind of sounds to me like you might feel a little guilty for liking the stepmom %26amp; being close to your dad because you think you're betraying your mom. if that's the case, why don't you have a heart to heart with her about that -your present relationships with them, not your parents past relationships.
My ex-husband and I divorced when my son was 10. He was cheating on my with my best friend who also had children to someone in the same family. My son was very confused and resented me for making his dad leave. At the time it was easy for me to blame him and say it was all his fault but the truth is, we were very young when we married and as we grew older we weren't the same people and weren't ';in love'; with each other any more. I didn't make him happy anymore and vice versa. Eventually my son realized in time that we just shouldn't be together anymore but it was difficult for him for a long time. Relationships don't come with a guarantee and if your new stepmom hadn't been there, eventually someone else would have been. Please try to forgive, life is too short and as life passes we lose too many of the people we love. Good luck.
honestly, you need to grow up and get over it.
Please take a few weeks here and look at the questions posed on this site to see HOW fathers treat their children when a divorce is looming. The children are almost irrelevant.


Not that you are. You never were, but your father switched his priorities around and you kids were caught in the crossfire.


Even at your older age, you still don't understand the complexities of divorce and the agony that goes with it. I hope you never know.


Their demise was of their own pitiful work. You had nothing to do with it.
Hello...I think that you are wrong to think of your ';step mom'; as a home wrecker...no one knows what went on but your dad, mom and step mom...naturally ';mom's'; tend to manipulate the situation because they are the ones hurt. I am not taking sides here...BUT...have you ever made a mistake? I feel that a parent for what ever reason should nto stay with someone just because he has a kid...NOR do I think that a child should suffer...a father even not being the picture can be a good father...and I also feel that you all of a sudden should not say she is a home wrecker just because of the story your mom says...your mom still may be heartbroken and resentful twoards this woman because she has your dad's heart...you know I mean what woman would feel that way...it is only natural. It is not that he left you...it is that for whatever reason he was unhappy...things happen for a reason. And I mean would you want to be forced to stay with someone...if you did not want to...just to make your mom or dad happy...I am sure your answer would be no...and that is exactly what your dad did...you say you love him more than anything...so from what I read sounds like he raised you pretty good...which is what should count...inspite of everything else he could have left without doing nothing for you...and he didnt which shows..he is a man that handle his ****. So like I said he was unhappy...I can realte because I started out young and had a child...I never marrie the person...but at that time being young I thought he was the guy for me...as I got older and started with my career come to find out he and I werent ment to be...and this is something yes you learn as you grow....unfortuanately a child came out of it...but you make the best of it...dont blame her...if it wasnt her it would have been someone else...your father was just not happy...things happen...people make mistakes...and they learn from it. I would not hold that against your dad or his new wife...or the new kids...especially them...
i dont know why he would leave u but he might have cause of her. i think u all r worth it and he couldnt stand to look at u all after realizing wat he had done myparents r still together but i know wat ur going through all of my friends parents r divorced but they dont take it very well. my gf parents r divorced
I have seen several divorces and not one of them was ever because of a child. Your dad was unhappy about something inside himself, you need to talk to him about his reason. I bet he wishes things had not happened that way either.