Helping your 9 year old cope with divorce and a new relationship?

From those of you that have been there, both as the parent and the child. How did you deal with it?? How can you help your 9 year old daughter cope w/ a divorce and accepting a new relationship?? How do you know if they are 'really' ok?? She says everything is ok but I don't want her to become an outraged recenting teenager.Helping your 9 year old cope with divorce and a new relationship?
Tink, I am going through this now. If nothing else I can offer you moral support. My divorce was actually finalized today and I have been seeing a new lady. I have two daughters (10 and 8) so far, they seem ok. But I think because schools out, I'm putting in a pool, and daddy got a new puppy.


I'm thinking of getting them in counseling.


Good Luck to you!Helping your 9 year old cope with divorce and a new relationship?
You need to make sure that you spend a lot of time with her...She is missing one parent now (I dont know if she has contact with her dad)...have ';girls nights'; where you watch movies together or do something fun...





Also, regarding new relationships, make sure to try not to have too many guys introduced to her (if you are not in a serious relationship now). She will have less respect for someone if she has had a lot of guys in and out of her life.





If it is possible, make sure that she stays at the same school, hangs out with the same friends, etc., so that her life doesnt seem like everything is chanigng...
Your daughter should not have to deal with a new relationship! You've just put her through a divorce and that's enough! There is no reason to involve your daughter in your new relationships! Are you going to let her get attached to some new guy and then it doesn't work out and now she looses him too? Meet your dates somewhere your daughter won't meet them. When you finally find one you are serious about, then you can introduce them and go from there! She does not need to be drug through the many men you will date!
When I went through my divorce my children were 6(boy) %26amp; 9(girl) and all I can say is to always be open with your daughter let her know that what she thinks is very important to you and that you take any of her concerns seriously. I started dating while I was going thru my divorce but I had decided that I would only go out on the evenings or weekends that I didn't have my kids. Then eventually the divorce ended and I slowly started dating when the kids were with me, but I never introduced them to anyone unless it was going to be a serious relationship. When I did meet someone that I was starting a relationship with I gradually introduced my children to him by spending maybe an hour together at the park or invite him for dinner but then when dinner was over and brief conversation or interaction with the kids, he would then leave. The kids and I would discuss the events of the evening and I always asked their feelings. I even let my kids plan a day for all of us to enjoy and that made them feel more a part of the relationship. Always put your daughter first and take the time to listen to what she is telling you and (hopefully she has a great dad) remind her that no one will ever replace her dad but a friend is always great to have! And remind the man you are dating that its more important for him to be friend to your daughter than try to replace her father.
I'm 14 and I went threw the same situation. I also told my mom I was fine too. I was lying. I don't know how your kid might fell but I was hurt. My mom dates to and being a bit older I understand. The best thing to do is sit down with you your ex-husband and your child and explain to her that even if your divorced that your still going to be there. No kid wants to feel like your replacing their dad or mom. Be friends with your ex-husband. That helps me a lot knowing that my mom %26amp; dad still get along and don't argue. Those are just some of the things that helped me.
Trust me on this and get her started in weekly one-on-one counseling with her school counselor when school starts back up!!! She will say everything is fine, but she may not be telling you the whole truth. A lot of kids are so eager to please that they don't really tell you what's on their minds. I have been through it with my daughter (who is now 12) and there have been some rough patches.





Here is a site with LOTS of resources for you and your daughter:





http://www.kidsturncentral.com/topics/is鈥?/a>





Keep reinforcing to her that it's not her fault and there's nothing she could have done to affect it in any way.





Good luck! :)





P.S. one of the things that helped in our situation was my daughter having ';2 rooms';, ';2 Christmases';, ';2 birthday parties';, etc. She loved that. In the first year, my ex and I did most things separate, but then as time passed, we switched back to 1 birthday party. My daughter still gets 2 Christmases {actually quite a few more if you count all the ';grandparents';}.





You can do this! There is life on the other side of divorce!





P.P.S. I am also the step-mom of two girls. They were in their teens when their dad and I started dating. I made sure I never disciplined them - I let him do that. I just tried to set a good example and make the rules known up front. If they broke the rules, it was up to their father to dole out punishment. My brother too a different route in his relationship (he married a woman with 2 daughters) and the girls have really resented his involvement. There will be times when your daughter will be resentful no matter what you do, but research the situation now and tread lightly and you will all be fine. :)
child of divorce





make sure she knows she is loved and that just because mom and dad were divorced doesnt mean she is loved any less.





that is easy to say, but actions speak louder than words.





also- if you think she has some maturity to her, talk to her like an adult about it.
The teenage cycle of life is tough and she will go through that phase. Talk to a child therapist or look online for the stages of development and what is in the realm of normal. The school your daughter attends may have a group for kids of divorced parents. It's like group therapy and would put your daughter in touch with other children that have that in common with her.
it will take a while and of course the right guy to understand. also depends on her relationship with your ex.
Continue to keep the lines of communication open, let her know its okay to talk to you and its okay to express her feelings. Never talk poorly of her father or allow the bf to do this either. If she see's that all the adults can get along and be cordial to one another she will do fine. Ask her occasionally how she is doing with everything. Don't forget about her everyday problems like school work too. Don't harp on her too much, this may confuse. When she appears sad, ask her what is bothering her, it may have nothing to do with the divorce, and if she does show concern remind her both her parents love her. She will be fine. When she becomes a teen and screws up don't blame it on the divorce, blame it on hormones.
good for you!! glad to hear someones putting the child before his/her sexual needs...


it is very important for the child to know she is not the cause for the separation. it is very unhealthy for the child to be ';picked'; by either side, or by anyone in the family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, ect) if she goes with daddy, its ok to ask about her visit, but dont put her in the middle by asking inappropriate questions. once she meets the new girlfriend/boyfriend, definately dont pick her, or make her feel as she has to choose sides.


it is necessary for the parents to act at least civil while around each other, dont fuss and fight because she will relate every time she gets to ';swap parents';...there will be a fight. NOT GOOD.


introduce her to the other boyfriend/girlfriend slowly...let her make her own opinion about things, if she likes them, dont get upset at her


keep her life very stable, kids need that in any situation. she needs to respect the new love, wether she likes them or not, thats a huge problem with so many couples today. many broken homes, people feel so guilty for spliting up, they try to give in to the child to make up for it. dont do that. each parent needs to have a happy/healthy relationship, she needs to be aware of that. no other man is ever gonna be her daddy, and no woman is gonna be mommy. keep her straight with that
ask her
I'd take her to a child psychologist and let her talk out her feelings with this person a few times. Then, if the counselor thinks she's okay, believe it.
Tinker, your daughter will never accept your new man as a role model or authority figure in her life. He's not the parent, and she knows that. She says everything's okay now, but wait until he wants to discipline her. Maybe it's in her best interest for you to put off dating until she's 18. This man may or may not be around in a year. It's a new relationship, so you don't know how long it will last. She doesn't need that kind of life. Good luck.
She will accept Him in her own time. Do NOT force her to hang out with him or like him, She does need to respect him though.