It's a drag, but unfortunately over 50% of American marriages end in divorce, so, tho it's no consolation, you're not alone. You and your brother will still have your parents. They still love you and will be there for you. Don't give up on them. Keep your head together, focus on your school work, and when it comes time for you to marry, make sure your partner has qualities that will suit you for life. That is easier said than done, but all you can do is try. Help your brother whenever you can.How do I cope with a unsuspected family divorce?
You will be surprized to learn what you can handle.
It sounds as though your parents are trying to address their issues in a positive way. Many couples are divorced for years and are still fighting over who the kids spend time with and when.
Why don't you think you could handle living with your mom during the school year and spending the summer with your Dad?
And you can't complain that you can't cope, and then say you're too shy to attend counselling. If it's an issue, why would you insist on not resolving it? It sounds as though you are protesting just for the sake of protesting...
Sorry to hear about that.
It's going to be hard, but you're going to have to be there for your parents. They are going to be going through a rough time. If you don't agree with the living arrangments let them know and see if they can compromise with you.
As for coping with this, there is nothing you can really do in a situation like this, so the best thing to do is know that both your parents love you very much and they obviously want to share custody.
I am also a mother of two and I got a divorce five years ago... From my experience I can tell you that you are a lucky girl not having heard their discussions and things adults do before separating, I guess they are very mature and know how to handle things like that. My advice is be patient and talk to them, it麓s hard on you being the oldest but I hope everything turns out fine for you.. And hopefully won麓t go to counseling. It always hurts but still if they don麓t want to be together it麓s not the kids fault and it麓s worse if they don麓t divorce.
Just maybe... They had problems and never involved you kids in them.
If they need to be separated, to make their problems solved. Then let them do what they have to do.
As for you, You need to let them know How you feel, tell them everything. You need to be there for your younger brother and make it okay for him as well as you.
Try to understand that your parents haave feelings too. If they stayed together their lives would be miserable. Keep loving them both, blame no one and you will be able to live with it. It will also make life more interesting..
sometimes things happen, beyond any ones control. My parents did stay together when they shouldn't have, and it’s the children who suffer from that. Would u rather your parents be unhappy? Because when u have unhappy parents, it effects the children.
I have a shy 15 year old son myself, and understand your lack of desire to seek out counseling as my son would most likely oppose the idea of this to. I am going to look at your situation as if I were advising my very own son, what I would tell my son is to understand that this isn't his fault nor anyone else's fault either, divorce is typically the hardest on children, and no one ever said coping with divorce was easy, however it is quite doable, my suggestion is for you to take it one day at a time with the attitude of willingness for change, change doesn't always have to be horrible, many people especially kids are afraid of change, and begin to future trip over things that haven't yet happened, this is why taking it one day at a time is so important for you, don't look at the big picture, only look at what is happening in the here and now, as you can better control what is happening today. Support your little brother and stay as busy as you can. Trust me you will eventually adjust to your new life, and will always have the love of both your parents. Be strong, Penelope
鈽尖樇鈽?br>
First, this is going to be a little long winded, but I've been working on it for a few hours. I've worked with divorced and single fathers for 20 years, as of this week, so this is based on experience.
First off, when someone says that over 50% of marriages in in divorce, remember that the majority of them involve individuals who have been marriage multiple times. Also, 85% of those that get a divorce were living together, or married prior to age 24. That is the age when a woman reaches full maturity. A male reaches it at age 30. So, don't EVER think that 50% of first marriages in in divorce. Those who wait, keep their shorts or panties on until marriage, especially until about age 24, have the greatest chance of being a lifetime partnership. Let that be your goal in life.
As for your parents, many say you shouldn't get involve in their problems, but I disagree. Their problems affect you and your long term development, so more than anyone, you have and deserve an opinion.
Let's start with this link quote from Fortune Magazine, ';Ominously, the most reliable predictor of crime is neither poverty nor race but growing up fatherless.';
http://money.cnn.com/magazines/fortune/f鈥?/a>
Not having a father in the home is the greatest factor contributing to criminal behavior.
Than there's this, ';We know that children of divorced parents have more emotional and behavioral problems and do less well in school than children who live with both their parents.'; from a Stanford University study, ';Divorce, Nontraditional Families, and Its Consequences For Children';
http://www.stanford.edu/~rmahony/Divorce鈥?/a>
Now for a few books to recommend to them:
The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage
http://search.barnesandnoble.com/The-Pro鈥?/a>
Ten Stupid Things Couples do to Mess up Their Relationships
http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Ten-Stu鈥?/a>
Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess up Their Lives
http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Ten-Stu鈥?/a>
Ten Stupid Things Men Do to Mess Up Their Lives
http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Ten-Stu鈥?/a>
Stupid Things Parents Do to Mess Up Their Kids
http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Stupid-鈥?/a>
Fatherless America : Confronting Our Most Urgent Social Problem
http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Fatherl鈥?/a>
As for living arrangements, tell them you want JOINT PHYSICAL CUSTODY OF THEM. You want to stay in the house you love. Each of them can live there for three weeks than can switch. The one not in the home during the three weeks wil take you and your brother out out for an evening once a week. There will be no dating or adult overnight guests except for relatives, during this time. At the end of the workday, the one in the home comes home, no after work drinks or dinners with special friends. This is called Bird Nest Custody. I created this site for gathering info on it. You might also want to do your own research. I have a local attorney working on just such a case.
http://tinyurl.com/GiveKidsAChoice
Finally, remind them that in your eyes, this is a failure in their ability to be good partners and parents. This is not a good example for you and your brother and for your futures.
If the two you want to do something, take a note from the Bible. Do a little Christian Shunning.
Do not associate with them, or talk to them, except for the necessary things. No mom or dad talks. No sitting with either of them watching TV. No asking for anything unrelated to the basics of life and school. If either wants to do a family outing, only if the other parent is included. Spend a lot of time with your little brother as he will be the greatest affect by the divorce, but the two of you need to be a team. Do fun things with him, like playing board games. If a parent ask to join you, simply say no thank you, as the other parent is not there to join in.
Don't be disobedient. Do your school work, get home on time, keep your rooms clean, and even do your own laundry. Stay away from the boys for now, other than your brother. They can be a distraction.
Both of you keep a journal.
I can totally relate to this unfortunately. I went thru the same thing when I was your age, and I was truly devastated. Then I went thru other devastating events in life, and one thing that is common in all of life's crappy offerings is this: it doesn't matter how fast you fall, what matters is how fast you can get back up. In order to get back up from this, is to talk about it w/your parents and close friends. Another way is to make the best of what you're offered. It's like eating something you hate. You don't have the option to choose the food, say, and you're hungry, so you must gulp some of it down, and when you're gulping it, maybe you've got to hold your nose so the smell doesn't get in the way - in other words, you MUST make the best of it as much as you can.. And remember, this too SHALL pass, and it really does - until the next crap comes along, this is how life is - unfortunately.. But hang in there, talk about it, pray about it and cry about it, but remember: you have to get back up, you can't get yourself depressed.
most importantly don't EVER forget this one: both of your parents LOVE you and your brother, but they can't settle their differences between each other. This has NOTHING to do with you..
To begin...divorce is never easy for anyone in the family. But in your case...though you do not want it...please see a school counselor asap. You nor your siblings are responsible for any of the divorce but you may feel guilt and shame as a result of the trauma of the unsuspected news you have now encountered. Please don't hesitate to seek professional help. It will give you the necessary support to get through what will be a long and traumatic experience. There is life after divorce for all involved but it comes at a price. You will go Thru many phases of feelings which a professional can help you Thru...I wish you well and hope you will see someone.
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