How to deal with guilt over the loss of a family member?

Almost two years ago to this date during my freshman year of college, my father shockingly passed away of a heart attack at the young age of 43. I grew up in an abusive environment, my father beat up my mom for no reason, causing me to develop an acute fear of him from as long as I can remember. One night during my sophomore year of high school, my father beat up my mom very badly breaking her nose, the site of all that blood on the floor is something that I will never forget. Long story short, I decided at that moment that enough was enough and we would never deal with this again, I called the police and a long divorce ensued. The next two years, I did not speak a word to him even though he reached out to me several times. Part of the reason was the fact that I was relieved to be away from him, and the other part was the fact that I always believed we would have time to mend our relationship, as I was his first son, and his favorite child which I am not saying is right ( I have two older sisters). We had just started seeing each other once again during my first year of college, we went out to dinner a couple times when my mother gave me the call one day to give me the news. Having spoken to his friends, most believe that his death was caused by the stress he was dealing in life fueled by the loss and isolation he suffered at our hands. I have coped with the loss in as healthy a way as possible, but am still bitter at how things played out. I feel guilty as I am the one that made the call which truly changed my families life forever, I try not to feel bad because my mother is the best person in my life, and I would die for her, the whole reason she put up with the abuse for 20 years was for me and my siblings. I do not really know what I want out of an answer, but have found myself crying in the library while working on a paper due tomorrow :(( The hardest part about the situation is that I know my father truly DID love us all, and he fully knew what it was like to feel like you have no family....





Having written this and giving myself a brief chance to organize my thoughts, I just want to express that the strength, determination, and loyalty a mother displays for her children is boundless, and that a child can never do anything to pay them back.How to deal with guilt over the loss of a family member?
Hi.... before I answer your question I want to say something about my dad. He wasn't violent but he was abusive and ripped my mum to shreds. we were always walking on eggshells. Dad eventually left when he started an affair. I made the decision that he should go. He has since remarried and his second wife cannot believe that her lovebear, sexpot etc etc etc could ever hurt anyone, it was his ***** ex wife... it was his needy children...





there's a book called the charm syndrome. I think its by Sandra Horley. i want you to read this book if you can find it. Violent men can also be charming men. Manipulative, and out and out liars. My feeling is that had his friends known the truth about your dad and the ';isolation'; they would not have said the things that have caused you so much pain today.





You saved your mum's life. You may not feel that way - but you did. Grieve for the man - and grieve for the father that you should have had, and for the husband that your mum should have had.. and yes grieve for him as he was. but please Please - do not allow his lies to destroy you. You had no choice that night.





xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxHow to deal with guilt over the loss of a family member?
I'm not very good at English, and I make lots of grammar mistakes, but still, I want to respond to your story.








... Who can pick one who did wrong.


You'd do it because you'd thought it has to be done, and it'd make the situation better...


..... Maybe the truth is that you did wrong.


Maybe the situation would've been better if you have talked to your father regularly and kept good relationship with him.





........nevertheless, I'm sure that you think much of your father since you feel guilty of his death


If you don't think much of him, you wouldn't feel guilty...





....


.. ..... . . There is no way you can apologize or say something to your father


But, if your father loves you (as you said), he wouldn't want you to suffer from sense of guilt.





,,, Are you thinking you have to feel guilty?


because you triggered the divorce and let your father be isolated, so you are responsible for the every incidents?


But I think you'd also have thought that guilt doesn鈥檛 makes anything better.





As you may already know, this is not a something that can be resolved by condemning faulty one


nor by repenting what you've done.





Something that you, your siblings and mother and your father who passed away


need is


.... . the painful, terrible memories, incidents, anger, resentment...


getting away from those painful emotions


(Not remembering those!)


but remembering...the feeling that none of your family could express, the feeling that all of your family wanted to have...


peace and happiness, love and care which were hided all the time....


Something you need is remembering your little love and your father's hidden love towards family


and forgiving your father鈥?br>







Realistically says, it鈥檚 no use to feel guilty.


Resentment, anger, rage, mistakes, blame....while you are thinking back the bad memories, you cannot get away from your discouraging feelings.





You know that every members of your family wanted to have happiness, secure, care and love in their inner heart


鈥ut it couldn't be expressed.





..


.. ..It鈥檚 impossible not to feel what you鈥檙e feeling now unless you have no human emotion at all.


But, if you want to compensate what you've done wrong,


then you have to apologize and be forgiven.....


That鈥檚 what you got to do.








Do you really want to get away from the guilt??








.. .. Maybe your feelings are so strong and you may think little of what I鈥檓 saying.


But, few months later, if you still feel guilty and if you remember what I said,


and if you really want to get away from the past,,,


Stop giving yourself an excuse!!!


You got to do your best to get away from it!











I want to introduce a method of dissolving your terribly tightened and heavy feelings.


,,,,,, just think your father is in front of you,


Just think you are seeing illusion or you are crazy


and pour your feeling out! Pour out heaps of word you wanted to say all the time.


Everything and every thought you have felt and thought, no matter what it is. A rage you felt, or a terrible memories or hatred, your agony, or sorrow, sadness, guilt, love, regret whatever!! that you couldn't have expressed frankly to anybody.


Just when nobody is there, give vent to your feelings in vacant room


to your real father.





Or if you prefer to write down, then you can write a 'real' letter to your father


and send it wherever you believe your father is. Heaven or grave or wherever, send it really.











.... . . . One more, if it helps you, I want to recommend you few books


Forgiving our parents our selves - by David Stoop and James Masellar


It's a pretty professional psychological book


but it tells you various way of resolving feelings





The lost art of forgiving - by Johann Christoph Arnold





Forgiving is not a choice but necessity.


It may sounds like religious, but you also know if you don't deal with this and just ignore this, then it will stay very inside of your heart and distress you continually and you'll never gonna get away from it until the end of your life.


Forgiving is not done easily or naturally but it's something you have to do your best like you decide to climb up the mountain Everest.








Remember this...








And I wish that you will be free from all of those distressing feelings and memories.


..and gain peace in your life.